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How to tell where a cop works. Department Humor
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<blockquote data-quote="Farmall" data-source="post: 1419681" data-attributes="member: 6222"><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">HOW TO TELL WHERE A COP WORKS. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">Narcotics</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Start watching every episode of Monster Garage. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Buy a biker wallet with a big chain. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Make every case involve overtime $$$. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Buy bunches of boats, RV's, and motorcycles with that overtime. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Learn to play golf drunk. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">SWAT</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Learn to play golf wearing a gun. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">Community Service units</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Hate SWAT</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Work to make everybody love you.</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Paint your office in pastel colors. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Think Feng Shui. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Subscribe to Psychology Today. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Learn to play miniature golf. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">Traffic units</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Write tickets to EVERYBODY. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">K-9 Units</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Become sadistic</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Show pictures of your latest dog bite</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Brag about your largest drug find</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Smell like a dog</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Workout 3 times a day</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Show off your bruises </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">Administrative Units</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a "meeting". </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Upgrade department cell phone every month. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Update your revenge list on a weekly basis. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Golf Rules! Play lots of golf. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">Patrol Units</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Has nerves of steel. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-In a terminal state of nausea from department politics. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Inability to keep mouth shut.</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Has defining tastes in alcohol. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Is respected by peers.</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">FTO</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car is put in gear -Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a good training opportunity and asks to take primary -Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">Investigators</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Come in at 0800</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-"Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Work from 1030 to Noon</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know. Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">Patrol Sergeant</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Remembers very well "how we used to do do it." </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Always willing to tell his officers the above. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs." </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">Trainee</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Unable to grow facial hair. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Watches every episode of Cops. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on.</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Arrives for work three hours early. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">Feds</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">- Shave head, and grow goatee (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you are clean shaven, with short almost military style haircut). </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">- Wear 5.11 pants, and polo with agency logo (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you always have a shirt and pants to which a jacket and tie can be quickly added for when the boss might be around). </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">- Arrive at work at 8AM, spend one hour answering useless emails, and 30 minutes checking your retirement investments. Then go with another agent to Starbucks "to discuss your a new case." </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">- After participating in your first warrant service (as outside cover) make plans to join the agency SRT, SWAT, etc., to "properly utilize your superior tactical skills."</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">- After doing your first buy bust, immediately begin asking the boss about "long term undercover" jobs.</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">- Refuse to play golf with "the locals." </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">New Corrections Officers</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">- Show up for work 15 minutes early</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">- Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2)</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">- Wear T-Shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">- Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">- Become friends with every local police officer</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">Court Security</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Say you dont want to work patrol anyway, but monitor dispatch channel while in courtroom -Have Jail and courthouse cafeteria menus memorized -Have seriously thought of entering law school after sitting through three jury trials -Consider the Public Defenders Christmas party the high point of the year</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">Defensive Tactics Instructors</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Starts stretching before making arrest</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">-Can spend hours debating the advantages of ASP vs. straight stick -Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton -Giggles when a suspect starts to resist </span></strong>__________________</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Farmall, post: 1419681, member: 6222"] [B][SIZE="3"]HOW TO TELL WHERE A COP WORKS. Narcotics -Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to. -Start watching every episode of Monster Garage. -Buy a biker wallet with a big chain. -Make every case involve overtime $$$. -Buy bunches of boats, RV's, and motorcycles with that overtime. -Learn to play golf drunk. SWAT -Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday. -Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation. -Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair. -Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod. -Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness. -Learn to play golf wearing a gun. Community Service units -Hate SWAT -Work to make everybody love you. -Paint your office in pastel colors. -Think Feng Shui. -Subscribe to Psychology Today. -Learn to play miniature golf. Traffic units -Write tickets to EVERYBODY. -Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots. -Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops. -Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day. -Ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection. -Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool. K-9 Units -Become sadistic -Show pictures of your latest dog bite -Brag about your largest drug find -Smell like a dog -Workout 3 times a day -Show off your bruises Administrative Units -Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a "meeting". -Upgrade department cell phone every month. -Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine. -Update your revenge list on a weekly basis. -Golf Rules! Play lots of golf. Patrol Units -Has nerves of steel. -In a terminal state of nausea from department politics. -Inability to keep mouth shut. -Has defining tastes in alcohol. -Is respected by peers. -Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot FTO -Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car is put in gear -Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a good training opportunity and asks to take primary -Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day Investigators -Come in at 0800 -"Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030 -Work from 1030 to Noon -Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch -1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know. Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip. Patrol Sergeant -Remembers very well "how we used to do do it." -Always willing to tell his officers the above. -Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence. -Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs." Trainee -Unable to grow facial hair. -Watches every episode of Cops. -Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on. -Arrives for work three hours early. -Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him. -Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance. Feds - Shave head, and grow goatee (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you are clean shaven, with short almost military style haircut). - Wear 5.11 pants, and polo with agency logo (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you always have a shirt and pants to which a jacket and tie can be quickly added for when the boss might be around). - Arrive at work at 8AM, spend one hour answering useless emails, and 30 minutes checking your retirement investments. Then go with another agent to Starbucks "to discuss your a new case." - After participating in your first warrant service (as outside cover) make plans to join the agency SRT, SWAT, etc., to "properly utilize your superior tactical skills." - After doing your first buy bust, immediately begin asking the boss about "long term undercover" jobs. - Refuse to play golf with "the locals." New Corrections Officers - Show up for work 15 minutes early - Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2) - Wear T-Shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform - Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility - Become friends with every local police officer Court Security -Say you dont want to work patrol anyway, but monitor dispatch channel while in courtroom -Have Jail and courthouse cafeteria menus memorized -Have seriously thought of entering law school after sitting through three jury trials -Consider the Public Defenders Christmas party the high point of the year Defensive Tactics Instructors -Starts stretching before making arrest -Can spend hours debating the advantages of ASP vs. straight stick -Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton -Giggles when a suspect starts to resist [/SIZE][/B]__________________ [/QUOTE]
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