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Jokes in really, REALLY bad taste ...

Discussion in 'Stupid Stuff' started by Annie, Sep 1, 2017.

  1. Snattlerake

    Snattlerake Sharpshooter

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    Frank the Texas Chili Judge

    [​IMG]


    Do you have the temperament for spicy food? For some people, it just comes naturally to eat food that’s hotter than hot. For others, it’s like being asked to ingest poison. Here’s a word of warning: if you don’t particularly have a tolerance for spicy stuff, you shouldn’t sign up to judge spicy food contests, especially in Texas. We think you will agree this man was in over his head when he agreed to sign up for this chili cook-off.

    If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas

    “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
    Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

    CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
    Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

    CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
    Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
    Judge # 3 — No report.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2021
  2. Timmy59

    Timmy59 Sharpshooter

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    So Years back when the wife and I were dating and times were different, we wondered where the craziest place we could knock boots was.. I decided on a stretch of hwy that wasn't too awfully busy.. Well we getting after it right in the middle of the hwy when a big truck is coming.. He is blaring his horns but came to a screeching halt just before us.. He jumps out of the rig and says to me, Boy didn't you here me coming ? Yes sir I did, you were a comin, she was a comin and I too was a comin and you were the only one comin that had any brakes...
     
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  3. Snattlerake

    Snattlerake Sharpshooter

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  4. Timmy59

    Timmy59 Sharpshooter

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    What's a thick white chick and a brick have in common ??





    Chances are at some point in time they'll both be laid by a Mexican...
     
  5. Snattlerake

    Snattlerake Sharpshooter

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    Buddy was working out of town and the night before work, he drove to the small town and got a motel room so he could be ready to go early the next morning.

    After dinner, he found himself in the motel lounge where a man was shooting pool by himself. Now, Buddy had spent several decades honing his bar room pool-shooting skills and not one to squander an opportunity, he slithered over and asked the man if he would like some competition. The man agreed and they played two games, each winning a game.

    Buddy said, "Looks like we're about evenly matched. Would you like to make it interesting? Say the best 2 out of 3 for $50.00."

    The man agreed and when Buddy let him have the break, the man missed on his third shot. As Buddy deftly chalked his cue stick, he surveyed the table. He then ran the table, broke on the second game, and ran the table again.

    As Buddy was pocketing the $50, he asked, "What do you do around here?"
    The man replied he was the priest at the local Catholic church.

    Buddy was flustered by the answer and he mumbled a half-hearted offer to return his winnings.

    The priest said, "No -- You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings. But if you're not feeling good about yourself, you could come to church on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
     
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  6. Snattlerake

    Snattlerake Sharpshooter

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    Buddy had been slipping in and out of a coma for several days. Things looked grim, but his wife was by his bedside every single day. One day, as he slipped back into consciousness, Buddy motioned for her to come nearer. She pulled the chair up to the bed and leaned closer to be able to hear him.
    "You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "You've been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. Every time I went broke, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. And now with my health problems, you are still by my side. And you know what?"
    "What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
    "I'm thinking you're bad luck."
     
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  7. Snattlerake

    Snattlerake Sharpshooter

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    A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
    The man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." No response.
    The usher left and shortly returned with the manager. Together, they tried to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
    The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
    "Buddy," the man moaned.
    "Where ya from, Buddy?"
    With pain in his voice, Buddy replied, "The balcony."
     
  8. RugersGR8

    RugersGR8 Sharpshooter

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  9. RugersGR8

    RugersGR8 Sharpshooter

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  10. RugersGR8

    RugersGR8 Sharpshooter

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    upload_2021-1-21_0-21-36.jpeg
     
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