Funny things said around your house

[oddball]

Somebody already slapped him stupid. I'm gonna slap him smart.

&

Aim low, they're riding Shetlands!

 

[Coltcombat]

"Make me a sammich woman!"

 

[beast1989]

My dad's favorite thing to say to us in high school before a date:

"If you're not in bed by 10, come on home."

It was usually followed by mom smacking him on the arm.

im telling my kids this once i have some...

 

[jarhead983]

I think I've mentioned this before, but one night I was on my laptop in the living room spaced out when my wife asked what website I was on. I told her porn. She didn't miss a beat, "No your not, your on that damn gun site aren't you?" Yeah!

 

[jarhead983]

I am well known by family and friends to be a jokester and I will do most anything to get a laugh and when that doesn't succeed I will pester them until I get a response. Well I was trying to get my wife's goat and I was down to the ole standby "I ain't touching you" routine. Well she says "Have I told you today that your an annoying ass?" I laugh and continue. She then says that she is going to put that on my headstone. I love it. I mean, everyone puts down Loving Husband and Beloved Father, even when they are the most useless piece of sh#% on earth. Its to the point that you can't believe any headstone. Well, mine will be believed. It will probably make it in a cemetary tour guide. Well after the grass finally grows from where my wife tap dances on my grave, I will have a worn path where people come and look at my gravestone because it reads 'Here lies an annoying ass". Epic. So now when she calls me that, I just say "I'm just trying to remind you; put it in stone". Sweeeet

 

[Danny Tanner]

"Would you stop snacking on your vagina?!" (to my french bulldog (it sounds disgusting))

 

[J.P.]

"Daddy, do you have any money?"

 

[n423]

"The dog did it"




(fart)

 

[BadgeBunny]

I am well known by family and friends to be a jokester and I will do most anything to get a laugh and when that doesn't succeed I will pester them until I get a response. Well I was trying to get my wife's goat and I was down to the ole standby "I ain't touching you" routine. Well she says "Have I told you today that your an annoying ass?" I laugh and continue. She then says that she is going to put that on my headstone. I love it. I mean, everyone puts down Loving Husband and Beloved Father, even when they are the most useless piece of sh#% on earth. Its to the point that you can't believe any headstone. Well, mine will be believed. It will probably make it in a cemetary tour guide. Well after the grass finally grows from where my wife tap dances on my grave, I will have a worn path where people come and look at my gravestone because it reads 'Here lies an annoying ass". Epic. So now when she calls me that, I just say "I'm just trying to remind you; put it in stone". Sweeeet

I need to show this to GC ...

I adore him but I am truly married to an 8 year old ... it was cute 12 years ago ... Thank GAWD he still goes to work! LOL

 

[Bierhunter]

Around our house it's "You're so cardboard."

About 100 years ago when my wife and I were young, we were having a few drinks and messing around.

She meant to say "You're incorrigible." But it came out as "You're corrugated."

I said, "I'm cardboard?"

It's been a running joke in the house ever since.