George Burns.
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.
For thirty years my act consisted of one joke...and then she died.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''
Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman... or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.
For thirty years my act consisted of one joke...and then she died.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''
Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman... or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
