Soooo... What About the Cops and Docs

[Werewolf]

After reading thru the lawyer joke thread I figured, "HEY! where's the cops and docs joke thread?". If the lawyers can take it then so can they.

Seemed only fair.

Cop Joke:

An officer witnessed a car slow and cruise through a stop sign. The officer
proceeded to pull the car over. The driver, very irate, asked why he was pulled
over. The trooper calmly explained "Sir, you failed to come to a complete stop
at the stop sign back there." "What does it matter," the driver yells, "I looked
both ways and there was no-one around. I demand that you tell me why I should
have to come to a complete stop." The trooper then reached into the vehicle and
pulled the driver out. He started beating him over the head with his nightstick.
After a few seconds, the trooper calmly asked the driver, "Tell me, would you
like me to SLOW DOWN or COME TO A COMPLETE STOP?".......

Doctor Joke:

Things you NEVER want to hear in surgery:

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"

Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again...

"You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them."

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?

Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

Aside: As I searched and searched for cop and doc jokes I noticed something. There are very few disparaging jokes about those two professions whereas disparaging jokes about lawyers abound.

That's got to say something about lawyers and one wonders what that might be.

Carry on...

 

[BadgeBunny]

I "might" have a few cop jokes laying around here somewhere ...

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"



A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"



A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"



On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

 

[BadgeBunny]

Oh, oh, oh ... My favorite one of all time ... LOL

What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest!

 

[hipshot]

Oh, oh, oh ... My favorite one of all time ... LOL

What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest!

Awful!!!! Just plain awful !!!! But I laughed anyways !

 

[Cinaet]

If you laid all your arteries end to end you'd die. (That's kind of doctorish.)

 

[n8thegr8]

No cops or docs here, but a good mathematician disparaging joke:

The difference between a mathematician and an engineer

Trying to illustrate Zeno's Paradox, a professor asks "So, You're at one end of the room, and a beautiful woman is at the other end of the room. You can approach her, but with each movement, you can only move half your previous distance from her. Will you ever reach her?"

The mathematician says: "No, You will never reach her", providing a rigorous proof.

The engineer says: "Well, you'll get close enough for practical purposes"

 

[surjimmy]

Know whats a mile long and a butt/hole in the middle? A Speed Trap.

 

[doctorjj]

An internist is making his morning rounds when he sits down to write in a chart. He reaches in his pocket but actually pulls out a rectal thermometer. He says "Dammit, some ******* has my pen".

 

[SoonerP226]

A guy has been out fishing and is on his way home in his beat up old truck. Having cleaned the fish before getting on the road, his clothes are a bit messy, with a few blood stains, and they don't exactly smell like roses. As he's coming to the end of the bridge over one arm of the lake, he sees a cop with a radar gun; although he's doing the speed limit, give or take one or two MPH, the cop hits the Christmas lights and pulls him over.

As the cop approaches the cab, hand on gun, he notices the smell, the state of the truck, and the stains on the guy's shirt, and is immediately suspicious that he's been up to no good.

"Hey, buddy," the cop says, "whatcha been doing? What's with all the mess?"

Not liking the cop's tone, and figuring that the the cooler, fishing poles, and tackle box in the bed of the truck should be big clues as to what he was doing, he replies, "I've been working."

"Really? What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher."

"Oh really," the cop asks, "what's that? What do you do in that job?"

"We'll, it's really pretty simple, and it's very relaxing to the client. First, I start by working the sphincter with one finger, then two fingers, then I gradually keep working it until it relaxes completely. Sometimes I can even get it stretched out to about six feet."

"Oh, really," the cop replies, "and what do you do with a six foot *******?"

"Stick him on the end of a bridge with a radar gun."

 

[SoonerP226]

This sort of a lawyer/cop joke...
------------

Farmer Jones, an older gent whose truck had been t-boned by a semi, was on the witness stand during the trial, being cross-examined by the attorney for the trucking company.

"So, Mr. Jones," the attorney said, "According to the police reports, at the scene of the wreck, when the responding officer asked how you were, you said, and I quote, 'I'm fine, sir.' Is this true?"

"Well," said Farmer Jones, "I had just put Jenny, my favorite mule, in the tra-"

The attorney cut him off. "I didn't ask you about the trailer! Did you, or did you not, tell the responding officer that you were 'fine' at the scene of the accident?"

"Well," continued Farmer Jones, "as I was saying, I had just put Jenny, my favorite mule, in-"

Again, the attorney cut him off. "Your honor, would you please direct the witness to answer the question?"

The judge thought for a moment, then said, "No, I want to hear what he has to say. Please continue, Mr. Jones."

"Why, thank you, your Honor. You see, I had just put my favorite mule, Jenny, in the trailer, and we was going down the section road when this semi runs the stop sign and hits us square in the side, sendin' truck and trailer arse over teakettle. I was thrown out of my truck into one ditch, and Jenny was thrown out of the trailer into the other. I was hurtin' real bad, and I didn't want to move, but I could hear Jenny, and I knew I had to get to her.

"Before I could get up, this big highway patrolman showed up. Jenny was in the ditch closest to him, so he checked on her first; he took one look at her, then drew his pistol and shot her between the eyes. Then he comes over to me, his gun still in his hand, and says 'How are you doing?'

"Now what the hell would you say?"