Opposite Sex Friends in the Bible Belt

[RidgeHunter]

Interesting topic to discuss objectively, though. I brought to many personal tales to this thread for that to happen.

Most people here would call me a feminazi. I was raised with women being a strong leading part of my family, not stronger than men, but they were damn sure about equal. My grandma is 86 and very religious and she holds the belief that you have sex after you get married and you do not have sex with anyone but your spouse. It's obscene to think anyone would do different to her. If you only have sex with your spouse, why is there any "risk" involved in having opposite-sex friends? God forbid one of your friends threaten your marriage by trying to cheat with you, too. Who would do that? You keep friends like that? That's her view. It's insulting and obscene to her to even imply cheating would happen, especially among friends. She lived it, too.

Then my mom is a crazy liberal who drilled into my head that "friendzone" doesn't exist. Women are people. Talk to them and make friends with them, some you will sleep with and some you won't. Some will be sexual partners and some won't. If you want to get laid, and your female freinds aren't game, go find another girl. "Friendzone" became a pejorative at women 'stringing guys along' or 'using' them when really it's a descriptor of a bitter loser who pines for what he can't have rather than going out and getting something he can have. If a guy is speding his time trying to sleep with a woman who doesn't want to sleep with him, it's his fault if he feels 'friendzoned'. You shouldn't spend time with any woman who's sleeping with you if you wouldn't spend time with her if she wasn't. Women outnumber us. I don't see why people engage or are tempted to engage in drama-bringing sex. Don't dip your pen in the company ink, that kinda advice makes sense to me. Even when I was single I shied away from drama-bringing sex. Go rub one out and still see if it seems like a good decision. The next night go find a damn date that won't bring as much stress to your life.

 

[excat]

Gotcha. My admitted maturity struggle is my temptation to engage/react to people in situations like this. I need to work on that. Hopefully I grow out of it when each year that ticks by is stronger evidence I'm doing some things right to my dissenters.

I mean, the main ones to drop this criticism (like the musician slob) have had worse relationship problems than anyone I know, and are way less happy than me. I need to learn to drop the urge to make small people feel smaller.

Just because you smite someone, does not mean you are better than them, or bigger than them, it lowers you to their level. Your actions don't have to be justified to anyone other than yourself, and who ever else you choose to try and justify it to makes it only seem from an outward appearance that you are trying to justify a bad situation with yourself. (As in you are using outside input/criticism to further justify your stance that you are in the right, to yourself) It also shows in how you have all but discredited and became defensive to any criticism that differs from the affirmation you wanted to hear.

As you have said, yes, you need to grow up. Enjoy what you have, that works for you.

 

[RidgeHunter]

If you don't care what other peoples opinions are then why do you keep asking? If your happy and you and yours can deal with it than good for you. Congratulations you are in the small minority that can make it work cause most cant.

Like I've said three times, I do care what other people's opinions are. People like rhodsebe can come in and give it without tacitly/openly calling me an idiot.

I asked for peoples personal opinions on this because I was curious. I did not ask for advice on what I should do in my personal life, especially advice delivered dripping in condescension.

Oklahoma has one of the highest divorce rates in the nation. I don't feel the need to respond to every wedding announcement I see with a bitchy "congrats...good luck to you if you're one of the lucky ones who can make that marriage thing work.... it often doesn't....you're probably gonna get divorced....I done seen it..."

Just because you smite someone, does not mean you are better than them, or bigger than them, it lowers you to their level. Your actions don't have to be justified to anyone other than yourself, and who ever else you choose to try and justify it to makes it only seem from an outward appearance that you are trying to justify a bad situation with yourself. (As in you are using outside input/criticism to further justify your stance that you are in the right, to yourself) It also shows in how you have all but discredited and became defensive to any criticism that differs from the affirmation you wanted to hear.

As you have said, yes, you need to grow up.

At least I can admit it, right? That count for something. Steadfast advice giving just irks me for some reason. "I probably wouldn't because...." doesn't bother me but "you just wait and see what's GOING to happen" makes me wanna throw down verbally. I know it doesn't make me bigger or better, it makes me worse. But damn, I do have the urge to meet cocky with cocky.

At least I'm never that guy. I didn't know **** at 18 and I don't know **** now and I'll die not knowing ****. I dunno who with a firm grasp in reality thinks they have life figured out by 25 or 30 or 50 or even 70. Life is by definition a subjective experience. There is not cheat code like a video game that gets you through unscathed. A person's position in life is a result of every decision they have ever made. Make them wisely. I got that part down. I'm still obviously insecure/defensive about it though. I hope the next ten years wears that away. The last five have gotten better and better for me. I think I'm on a decent path and the insecurity will slowly go.

Enjoy what you have, that works for you.

Thanks! Life could be a lot worse.

 

[Blinocac200sx]

I think that I get it. You're her non-gay gay friend. Something tells me that she knows......

I have actually had a female friend tell me "You're like a gay best friend who isn't gay."

 

[RidgeHunter]

I think that I get it. You're her non-gay gay friend. Something tells me that she knows......

Nah. Her oldest friend is a gay guy. She doesn't need another.

She likes my straight guy perspective. I recently overhauled her online dating profile for her with great success after she moved out of state. I'm a good wingman out and about with her too. I've been tied down for ~2 years or she'd do the same for me.

 

[rhodesbe]

Here's a guy who can explain he and his wife's choices withoutvthe sadistic need to go on the attack and Nostradamus disaster in my life.

I respect that. But people like the guy who told my buddy "we aren't real friends" and the people in this thread who clearly know everything...I'm not coddling them.

I don't pretend to know everything. Which is funny, because the people to accuse me of that attitude are usually actively in the process of telling me they know everything when they stop to accuse me if doing it.

I'm also not cocky. I make no claims all my friendships will last, or that the girlfriend an I will never break up. Who knows? Relationships are a calculated risk - like an investment. I put my trust where I feel it belongs. I think I have decent odds, but it could all blow up tomorrow. I never claim otherwise. I make my choices and live with the consequences.

Yeah, I'm defensive and snarky. This thread was made because me and my friends and girlfriend have been insulted by near strangers over this a lot lately.

Ya'll love my threads, huh?

No worries, RH. You're a much better human being for honestly feeling one way compared to those disingenuously pressured into something they aren't, and then being an echo chamber to soothe their insecurities.

It doesn't mean you're not 'rubbing the hind legs of a mule' in the way you're living your life, and I personally think it is risky (and hope you don't get your face kicked in someday). But there are much worse behaviors covered up by conformity in most of our lives.

 

[CHenry]

I think it can work for some. In my past I had several female friends. I met all of them initially to date and it just didn't work so we decided we would be better friends. That being said I had sex with them all before the friendship standard was on and we were cool with that as a past thing. Two of them have married and moved on and I no longer hear from them. That's fine. On of them I still talk to on occasion and my wife knows it and does not care.
I trust my wife 100% and she trust me equally and I think that's the key, BUT I make it my job to set a pretty fine boundary that I choose not to cross. Talking to my chick friend once in a while - usually when she's in a crisis and wants my advise - is within the tolerance of my boundary but I would not go sit and have lunch with her unless my wife were there.
Would my wife care? No but I will not test that. There is simply too much to loose IF someone were to say the wrong thing or rumors started.
Your young and your opinion may change later in life. Mine has, but if it works for you, that shows the level of high trust among you all and as long as that remains high, and you can brush off the nasayers, then kudos to you all.
You will look at this differently when you are married, I almost guarantee it because I think your a guy who would show a wife the utmost respect and keeping other females at a safe distance (within boundaries that you both set) is just that.
Risking half of what you own over a friend who may or may not be around after the dust settles from the divorce is foolish.

Sent from outer space or somewhere from my mobile device

 

[turkeyrun]

So, you guys are saying that you couldn't go to the range or a match and spend an enjoyable day / evening with BB or Brandi or ANY other woman?

RH, enjoy your friend and time spent together. FRIENDS IS FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[RidgeHunter]

No worries, RH. You're a much better human being for honestly feeling one way compared to those disingenuously pressured into something they aren't, and then being an echo chamber to soothe their insecurities.

It doesn't mean you're not 'rubbing the hind legs of a mule' in the way you're living your life, and I personally think it is risky (and hope you don't get your face kicked in someday). But there are much worse behaviors covered up by conformity in most of our lives.

Ain't that the truth. Also, I'm completely 100% honest about my friend when it comes to my SO. Some of my family members though, I didn't get to pick like I did my friend, and I've withheld some things my family has said about my girlfriend that didn't sit to well with her when they came out. Understandably, and shame on me, but sometimes I wish meanness and pettiness would just go away if I ignore it.

I have a couple family members that are way more likely to be stressor on any relationship I ever have than my female buddy would be. Family politics is fun. This is why I'm moving out of state in 1-4 years. Distance helps.

If i ever had the URGE to be dishonest about my friend to my old lady, the friend would be gone. Period. Doing that with family is more difficult. Like I say, I get to pick my friends...

Your young and your opinion may change later in life. Mine has, but if it works for you, that shows the level of high trust among you all and as long as that remains high, and you can brush off the nasayers, then kudos to you all.
You will look at this differently when you are married, I almost guarantee it because I think your a guy who would show a wife the utmost respect and keeping other females at a safe distance (within boundaries that you both set) is just that.

Probably won't get married, but even so, thanks. I do show her the respect she deserves in the areas that matter to her. This is not a big deal to either of us. Her biggest respect issue is that I stand by her and defend her. Our boundaries are mutual and I don't do anything she doesn't approve of.

Oddly enough, she is actually the main reason my female buddy and I have grown so close and the main supporter/encourager of or friendship. When my buddy moved, she was like "Ride down with her and help her move in, then fly home. When I moved to NYC alone I would have killed to have had a man around that first few days. Carry heavy things and keep her laughing and give her a hug for me." Female buddy used to house sit and water our flowers when we were out of town. My girlfriend sent her flowers when she walked with her doctorate. Female buddy has no dad or brothers or straight males in her life looking after her. We both think it's good for me to stand on her side. I'm a people person. I believe people are fundamentally good and any faith I have is in my fellow (wo)man. #humanist4ever

 

[AllOut]

So let me get this straight.
You came on here telling us a story about your friendship and people talking chit about it. On an open forum looking for others opinions, but actually just wanting people to have the same opinion as you. Then go on a little kiddy tantrum putting down others who don't share that same opinion?