Zactly
Whos going chicken huntin??? lol
Easy to say that but if you have done almost everything you can do with a kid and they still fckup, then you dont just give up on em and call yourself a failure and blame your self. Its not your fault, especially if you have done everything possible to right a wrong in the kid. Its all on them. Theyre the ones fcked up, not you. You cant just beat em into being a good kid. You have to try to re-shape them, motivate them, build them back up and it takes time, patience, and in some cases, money. I know, we're there right now.
Our oldest was the golden child- never got any trouble out of her. Straight A grades, active in church with her mom, worked part time in HS and still graduated with honors, etc. Right now shes gone seeing the country while working for the government in the Americorps program before she starts college next year to get a little space before starting another round of school.
The other kid at home. 15, and right now doesnt give a fck about anything but sitting in his room and reading sci-fi comics while listening to dubstep and stuff like ICP. He's now 6' x 200lbs and not the little 4' 9" 90lb kid I met when I started dating his mom. The almost entire 9 years Ive been with his mom he has been a pretty good kid. This year though he has started being a little testy. She had him in counseling. He has had almost everything he owns taken away from him for something fcked up he did and he can literally just sit in an almost bare room and stare at a wall and not be bothered by it- looks like a yogi in there working on his meditation. He's in the 9th grade now and flunking math and science. He had made good grades in most everything 1st-8th grades. Super smart kid but now he's just decided that he doesnt want to turn in his work, thus getting zeroes, and now he's flunking 2 subjects and Cs in all the others. His mom is in daily contact with all of his teachers via EMail and monitors his school work and then works with him at night when she comes home. She is doing her part plus some.
All last summer we spent time together on the computers taking early course work, I spent time with him lifting weights, playing basketball, I put him with a boxing coach after he got his black belt at his martial arts school, we worked on my 2 Mustangs together and we made plans to find him a used car to build into a hot rod when he gets a job to help pay for it- if he gets his license. He really seemed pumped about mid high then highschool and maybe playing basketball in highschool and maybe even in college, the kid is probably gonna top out at about 6 4" or taller. But now he doesnt even resemble the same kid, mentally. His new friends this year at school are the loser crowd- Goth kids, stoners, the ICP lovin freaks, etc. He quit basketball because it wasnt 'cool'. I went to school in a large southern California HS and I hung out with the stoner and surfer dudes. I know the types. Theyre every where. Losers.
Thankfully his mom just enrolled him in an after school learning center in BA and she took the money for it out of his college money ($7k) to help him with his math and science problems and other learning problems he suddenly has developed. He has to put in 180 hours of it 2 hours at a time from now all thru the summer. If he doesnt take it serious and make it work for him then he wont be able to pass the new HS graduation requirements just passed by our state legislature, and he will have wasted his own money. His mom is a busy corporate officer so me being self employed I am the one who is always home when he gets off the bus, he is has never been allowed to go hang out some where after school other than our yard or the nearby park playing sports. Going down to the park with the neighbor kid, who is a really good kid (he calls him a 'nerd'), to play basketball is allowed cause I can go over and check on him, so he isnt a prisoner in his own home or not allowed to socialize. He just isnt allowed to go hang out with people we dont know or not know where he is. He gets taken to a friends and picked back up, if his mom meets the parents. It has come to that. I had way more freedom than that when I was a kid. Hopefully he pulls out of this 'phase' and changes before next year and high school.
Im worried for the kid. These loser kids pull him down further and he doesnt graduate, he'll be flipping burgers for a living and camping out at 'The Gathering's' and hooking up with Juggalettes. When he could have maybe gotten a basketball scholarship, gone to college, and maybe even the NBA. Or the D league would be ok. Just something better than The Gathering.
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Have you tried to get to know his friends? It wasn't exactly yesterday I was in high school (graduated in 2000), but it wasn't so long ago I forgot about things I observed. We had our goth crowd, and they were different, but now for the most part they're "normal" people living "normal" lives. A small percentage of them that I see haven't amounted to much, so they may fit the description of a loser, but there are also cowboys, nerds, and jocks from my high school that also currently fit the description of a loser. Especially with kids, you can't judge a book by it's cover. At the time of the Columbine shootings, I had a friend that wore a trench coat. After Columbine, he was watched by school staff, talked to by counselors, and possibly even the police. Funny part is, he's one of the nicest guys I've ever known, the "he'd never hurt a fly" guy. After high school, he did college, put in 8-10 years with the National Guard, and now he's living a successful life in wind energy.
If his friends are ditching school, burning cats, or doing other destructive behaviors then yes, they probably are and will always be losers. But if all they're doing is wearing makeup and black t-shirts, then you might want to give them a chance. You never know, your outlook on your son's friends might have a bigger impact that you think.
Although I'm a parent, I can't really relate to your situation as our kid is only 6, so her biggest problems are who's her friend one day and who's her friend the next, so maybe my parental advice is worthless. But, I did witness first-hand how a perfectly nice, normal, healthy dude was looked down at by those who misunderstood him simply because he wore clothes different from everyone else.
Being a tattoo artist and pro touring guitarist in metal bands the last 20 years, Ive pretty much come to know alot of different types of people and have seen just about everything. The black clothes wearing people dont bother me- hell, thats me, I wear all black myself most of the time, especially in winter. And I know people who are into the 'scenes' too from being in the tattooing and metal world: Pagans, Vampyres, you name it. Real practicing pagans too, not wannabe Goths. Myself, my daily dress is totally the dressed down bum or Wino look. I wear what my wife calls my 'prison issue' look. Shave my head, Im tattooed over 70% of my body, multi pierced, long plain white or black Ts, baseball caps turned around backasswards or beanies, long board or khaki shorts with white socks pulled up, Dickies work shirts, canvas hopsack slipon loafers or Vans slipons, etc. If anyone was going to be judged by their outsides it would definitely be me- and I have been judged by my outsides since I was in high school, so I know how a person can be judged by their 'cover'. I was in that 'stoner and surfer' crowd in highschool in San Diego. And my dad was a cop.
No, its mainly what my kid tells us about these kids and what we've heard from school officials that they do and say and their indignance to the school system, authority,etc, is what alarms his mother. To me theyre harmless, lil Okie wannabes. Drop em off in east San Diego or south east LA with some of the characters there and they would piss their pants and cry for their mommies. These kids are harmless for the most part- potheads, they hate school, they hate all of the other 'normal' kids, start fights with evrybody, one of the worst is a kid who blows **** up we've heard, another kid has got into his dads guns and threatened other kids- just overall not what my wife wants for her kid. It might be small town Oklahoma but its on the edge of a bigger city and there are some pretty downer kids in these small towns. Theyre bored. No stimulation, nothing to do. I totally understand them. But, my wife just wants her kid to do something some day to be able to take care of hisself. No highschool diploma and that means no college or even trade school. And he cant play basketball anyways when his grades arent at a certain level. These other kids, its like most of them have already given up on life and theyre looking for the apocalypse. Im California born and bred so not much shocks or surprises me and Im definitely not one to be that quick to judge other people. Like I said, I see all walks of life in the tattooing business and in the metal music business. I just want my kids to do the right thing, get thru school without many blemishes, and go on to higher education or at least do something where they are self sufficient. Not much to ask.
(And if you think I am to blame for any of it by the way I am, look, etc; my kids- steps and my own children- all know I dont want them to be anything like me even though I have been financially successful in my chosen careers in art and music. I recently stopped my 19yr old stepdaughter, who is in New Orleans right now, from getting a tattoo while there. I would have been on the first plane there to stop her. She gets school over with, is in a career and has everything going for her, then if she wants one somewhere not where it can be seen I'll be the one to give it to her, but not until then. I dont care if she is 19.)
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Wicked Clown!!
