Dark Humor Thread

[Chief Sapulpa]

From the movie with Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines, Running Scared

"- Hey. The jumper yesterday?

- Yeah?

- I just got the cause of death.

- Let me guess. Deceleration trauma?


- Uh... Cement poisoning?

- He drowned.


- Poor guy couldn't swim or fly, huh?

- You don't need a cop, just a lifeguard.

Victim's name is Alan Jackson.

He was a cop from the South Side."

 

[Frank Pope]

"rubber nekkin"


When in HS, a good friend had a '56 Bel Aire. Just as school let out, one afternoon, we were headed to the local Dairy Queen, as we done everyday.

Main Strreet through town, parallels the railroad tracks. A car had tried to beat the train and failed. We came up on the scene and Bill had slowed down to about 10 mph, we were rubber nekkin. Bill glances up to see the light is still green and looks back to the carnage.

We had rolled a few yards and hear a boom and yelling. Looking forward, we a cop laid across the hood and screaming at "STOP".

He had walked into the intersection to stop traffic and allow cross traffic to turn. The front bumper of the '56 was knee cap high, broke both and laid him over the hood.

Bill lost his DL for 5 years. When he got it back, his insurance was outrageous. Every cop in town knew him and would pull him over.

Dad was friends with the Chief, found out the cop fully recovered, got a Hella settlement from insurance, early retirement from PD and opened a gun store / cop shop.

When I was in high school, a friend had a mint '57 Chevy 2 door hard top. It was towards the end of the school year and construction had started on a shopping center. They had the fire plugs in and the lot asphalted. No lights yet, but all that asphalt required a little off street drag racing. When I showed up on Friday night, I discovered my friend had "run over" a fire plug at a high rate of speed in the dark. The shopping center had wisely put four steel posts about 4' above the ground around each of the fire plugs. My friend's car was all four wheels off the ground on top of those posts and he was trying to explain to the cops what happened.

 

[SoonerP226]

The informal result was phrased as "The pilot had his fangs out down to his navel."

I remember seeing an A-10 pilot talking about how he’d gotten hit during the first Gulf War. He said his fangs had come out while he was on a run, then he got hit by anti-aircraft fire and the pucker factor hit.

When he got back to the base, he said they found the holes in the floorboards from his fangs, “but they never did find that seat cushion.”

 

[SoonerP226]

Wichita, Ks

My dad’s cousin was a motorcycle cop (he says he was a “sickle cop”) in Wichita after he got out of the service in the early ‘70s. He said most of the places he patrolled as a cop back then he wouldn’t visit at all these days.

He also had some stories about his partner from his days in Wichita. After his career in law enforcement, he went to work for the other side, becoming a hit man for one of the mafia families. He said he was in the kitchen one day while one of those true crimes shows was on the TV in the living room. He heard the guy’s name and got to the TV in time to hear “seen here with his partner from the Wichita PD” and see a picture of him with his face blurred out, standing next to his old partner.

He said for years, every time he’d move somewhere new, within a couple of weeks, he’d get a call from the guy to make sure everything was ok. This was back before the internet or phone number portability were things, so he didn’t know how the guy was keeping tabs on him, but it was evident that he was looking out for his old partner.

 

[turkeyrun]

My buddy in HS, his Dad was a gunner on a bomber. Always figured he had been in some serious stuff, as he rarely spoke of his time in the War.

One Saturday night, we were headed out of town, for a party. Headed North, doing about 90 mph. Came up on a narrow bridge, had a black bull headed North.
Driver side headlight decided it was a proctologist. Tore the car all to crap. We walked about 5 miles, caught a ride and called his Dad to come get us.
When he arrived, told him what happen.
He walks over and looks inside car. Asked him what he was looking at? He says, "seat cushions, they go in a lot easier than they come out. Usually took me 4 days to get normalized."

 

[Snattlerake]

Were you working when BTK was doing his thing?

Yes. He drove the WPD nutz. Chief Lamunyon resigned and took a job at the Cotillion as security chief. I think he was pressured a bit.

In the 80's, I was at a forensic autopsy conference in Wichita for my continuing education. I was in an elevator with a bunch of WPD officers who kept talking about the shootout on the 25th floor. In 1976 They had a sniper and took out his feet with about 8 rounds of 12 guage. They kept arguing about who was where and where they were shooting. One guy was looking at the wall feeling it trying to find his bullet holes.

I was in college getting edumacated in 76.

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