Dark Humor Thread

[THAT Gurl]

I got one!! Can't believe I didn't think of this earlier.

I was all of 19 years old and started working for a flower shop in Tishomingo while I was in college. It was a GREAT job!! Because it's a predominantly rural area (or was, haven't been back there in probably 40 years or so now) I got to drive all over the place and visit exotic places like Wapanucka ... And sometimes even go to the Big City (Ada) ... Lol

Anyway, because flower shops "do" funerals, I became very familiar with the local funeral home's layout and often just went ahead and set up the flowers I delivered if the guys were busy with other ****. This particular delivery the guy working asked if I could s
"set up" because he was the only one there and kinda busy. Sure. No problem.

The delivery entrance was a garage area under the funeral home where they kept the hearses and a bunch of other ****. And there were a couple of viewing rooms on that lower floor. I have an station wagon FULL of flowers and plants for this one guy. Can't remember the particulars, but it was one of those deaths that kinda rock the community -- I mean everybody in Tish is either related or knows each other anyhow ...

I am having to CRAM flowers and plants into this teeny tiny room and had JUST set the last plant down in front of the stand the open casket was on. The ONE particular I DO remember about this guy is he had been shot in the face. And I was curious ... Because the casket was open, not closed.

So ... After I get done making all the **** I delivered pretty I get up close and personal with this guy. I am literally INCHES away from his face looking to see if I can find the entrance wound when SOMETHING GRABS MY ANKLE FROM UNDER THE CASKET AND LETS OUT THE LOUDEST SCREAM I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE!!

I was clear out in the middle of the underground garage before I stopped running and reassessed my situation. I heard uncontrolled laughing from the guys who had been standing in the open doorway behind the curtain that lined one wall (there was a doorway to the prep area they didn't want guests to see so they hung curtains from floor to ceiling on that wall). And I learned some cuss words I didn't know that day -- from the guy who drew the short straw and reached out from under the casket stand and grabbed my ankle -- and invented a few of my own! I stomped the guy's hand/arm so hard I broke his wrist. And apparently at some point during my escape I kicked him in the face (though I never actually saw him) because one whole side of his face looked like he had run face first into a brick wall.

And yes, they did have to pick up the casket and set everything back up. And they also had to replace more than a few flower arrangements but the owner said it was more than worth it! Sorry *******s!! Lol I am not ashamed to admit I had to go home and change. Yes, I wet my pants! Probably lucky I didn't **** them, too! We were ALWAYS doing **** like that to each other. *******s ... Lol

 

[Glock 'em down]

I got one!! Can't believe I didn't think of this earlier.

I was all of 19 years old and started working for a flower shop in Tishomingo while I was in college. It was a GREAT job!! Because it's a predominantly rural area (or was, haven't been back there in probably 40 years or so now) I got to drive all over the place and visit exotic places like Wapanucka ... And sometimes even go to the Big City (Ada) ... Lol

Anyway, because flower shops "do" funerals, I became very familiar with the local funeral home's layout and often just went ahead and set up the flowers I delivered if the guys were busy with other ****. This particular delivery the guy working asked if I could s
"set up" because he was the only one there and kinda busy. Sure. No problem.

The delivery entrance was a garage area under the funeral home where they kept the hearses and a bunch of other ****. And there were a couple of viewing rooms on that lower floor. I have an station wagon FULL of flowers and plants for this one guy. Can't remember the particulars, but it was one of those deaths that kinda rock the community -- I mean everybody in Tish is either related or knows each other anyhow ...

I am having to CRAM flowers and plants into this teeny tiny room and had JUST set the last plant down in front of the stand the open casket was on. The ONE particular I DO remember about this guy is he had been shot in the face. And I was curious ... Because the casket was open, not closed.

So ... After I get done making all the **** I delivered pretty I get up close and personal with this guy. I am literally INCHES away from his face looking to see if I can find the entrance wound when SOMETHING GRABS MY ANKLE FROM UNDER THE CASKET AND LETS OUT THE LOUDEST SCREAM I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE!!

I was clear out in the middle of the underground garage before I stopped running and reassessed my situation. I heard uncontrolled laughing from the guys who had been standing in the open doorway behind the curtain that lined one wall (there was a doorway to the prep area they didn't want guests to see so they hung curtains from floor to ceiling on that wall). And I learned some cuss words I didn't know that day -- from the guy who drew the short straw and reached out from under the casket stand and grabbed my ankle -- and invented a few of my own! I stomped the guy's hand/arm so hard I broke his wrist. And apparently at some point during my escape I kicked him in the face (though I never actually saw him) because one whole side of his face looked like he had run face first into a brick wall.

And yes, they did have to pick up the casket and set everything back up. And they also had to replace more than a few flower arrangements but the owner said it was more than worth it! Sorry *******s!! Lol I am not ashamed to admit I had to go home and change. Yes, I wet my pants! Probably lucky I didn't **** them, too! We were ALWAYS doing **** like that to each other. *******s ... Lol

 

[Big House]

Patti, your funeral home story reminded me of one too.

I was helping an electrician friend do some work at a funeral home and we had to walk through the area where they embalm, dress, fix hair and apply makeup. There were a couple of bodies that were in the process of being placed for viewing. I was leading the way through and the last person I passed, I recognized him and stopped really quick and said, "Gary, you're not looking so good today". The friend I was helping screamed and did a 180 then another 180 because he didn't want to walk back through the area we had just came through. He then pushed me aside and left me where I was. As he was walking by, all the color in his face was gone and actual looked worse than Gary did.

For some reason, being there was funnier than me trying to type this out.

 

[Snattlerake]

My absolute favorite story

Cling peaches

One day shift I got a call asking me to respond to a local convenience store to see the manager for an unknown reason about a customer who just left. I arrived and walked into the store noticing the front door glass had been broken outward towards the street and inside was the bloodiest scene I had ever seen. There were streams of blood everywhere. It was on the floor with a trail going out the door, on the ceiling, and on the counter with the cash register. I called for backup on my walkie before talking to the woman who had called.



I asked, “Is everyone ok? Three women clerks were all laughing and snickering and holding their hands over their mouths trying to calm down. I relaxed a little bit then and again asked if anyone was hurt. They broke out into hysterical laughter again. I grinned a little bit with them and said, “Ok, What’s going on?” “Where did the blood come from?” They again cracked up slapping the counter.



My backup arrived and he was ashen-faced when he saw the blood then relieved a bit when he noticed everyone was laughing and I was smiling. I told him to follow the blood trail and get some more backup.



After he left, the head clerk then started to explain. "A guy came in and went to the back area by the beer coolers. He milled around back there and we weren't paying any attention to him. Well, he walked up to the counter and I was ringing up another customer. He waited a bit then set down on the countertop a quart-sized can of cling peaches,”



“In heavy syrup!”, yelled another clerk causing all three to blow up laughing again. I waited for her to continue, sensing this would be good. “Anyway, I had picked up the can, you know, to look at the price. The next thing I saw was his thing out on the counter laying on it like a hot dog without a bun.” Again the laughter. “I snorted a little myself while she went on, “Anyway, when I saw it I saw him grinning, looking at me and it pissed me off. More laughter. She looked over at the girls and got mad, looked at me, apparently, I was standing in the same spot as the customer, and slammed her hand down on the counter in front of me like she was holding a quart-sized can of cling peaches in heavy syrup.



We found the poor fellow about a block away in the car wash stall crying in the fetal position with the front of the man covered in blood.



It was still attached but had deep funny-looking cuts in semicircles on it and it was black and blue and flat in the middle.

 

[Glock 'em down]

My absolute favorite story

Cling peaches

One day shift I got a call asking me to respond to a local convenience store to see the manager for an unknown reason about a customer who just left. I arrived and walked into the store noticing the front door glass had been broken outward towards the street and inside was the bloodiest scene I had ever seen. There were streams of blood everywhere. It was on the floor with a trail going out the door, on the ceiling, and on the counter with the cash register. I called for backup on my walkie before talking to the woman who had called.



I asked, “Is everyone ok? Three women clerks were all laughing and snickering and holding their hands over their mouths trying to calm down. I relaxed a little bit then and again asked if anyone was hurt. They broke out into hysterical laughter again. I grinned a little bit with them and said, “Ok, What’s going on?” “Where did the blood come from?” They again cracked up slapping the counter.



My backup arrived and he was ashen-faced when he saw the blood then relieved a bit when he noticed everyone was laughing and I was smiling. I told him to follow the blood trail and get some more backup.



After he left, the head clerk then started to explain. "A guy came in and went to the back area by the beer coolers. He milled around back there and we weren't paying any attention to him. Well, he walked up to the counter and I was ringing up another customer. He waited a bit then set down on the countertop a quart-sized can of cling peaches,”



“In heavy syrup!”, yelled another clerk causing all three to blow up laughing again. I waited for her to continue, sensing this would be good. “Anyway, I had picked up the can, you know, to look at the price. The next thing I saw was his thing out on the counter laying on it like a hot dog without a bun.” Again the laughter. “I snorted a little myself while she went on, “Anyway, when I saw it I saw him grinning, looking at me and it pissed me off. More laughter. She looked over at the girls and got mad, looked at me, apparently, I was standing in the same spot as the customer, and slammed her hand down on the counter in front of me like she was holding a quart-sized can of cling peaches in heavy syrup.



We found the poor fellow about a block away in the car wash stall crying in the fetal position with the front of the man covered in blood.



It was still attached but had deep funny-looking cuts in semicircles on it and it was black and blue and flat in the middle.

 

[turkeyrun]

My absolute favorite story

Cling peaches

One day shift I got a call asking me to respond to a local convenience store to see the manager for an unknown reason about a customer who just left. I arrived and walked into the store noticing the front door glass had been broken outward towards the street and inside was the bloodiest scene I had ever seen. There were streams of blood everywhere. It was on the floor with a trail going out the door, on the ceiling, and on the counter with the cash register. I called for backup on my walkie before talking to the woman who had called.



I asked, “Is everyone ok? Three women clerks were all laughing and snickering and holding their hands over their mouths trying to calm down. I relaxed a little bit then and again asked if anyone was hurt. They broke out into hysterical laughter again. I grinned a little bit with them and said, “Ok, What’s going on?” “Where did the blood come from?” They again cracked up slapping the counter.



My backup arrived and he was ashen-faced when he saw the blood then relieved a bit when he noticed everyone was laughing and I was smiling. I told him to follow the blood trail and get some more backup.



After he left, the head clerk then started to explain. "A guy came in and went to the back area by the beer coolers. He milled around back there and we weren't paying any attention to him. Well, he walked up to the counter and I was ringing up another customer. He waited a bit then set down on the countertop a quart-sized can of cling peaches,”



“In heavy syrup!”, yelled another clerk causing all three to blow up laughing again. I waited for her to continue, sensing this would be good. “Anyway, I had picked up the can, you know, to look at the price. The next thing I saw was his thing out on the counter laying on it like a hot dog without a bun.” Again the laughter. “I snorted a little myself while she went on, “Anyway, when I saw it I saw him grinning, looking at me and it pissed me off. More laughter. She looked over at the girls and got mad, looked at me, apparently, I was standing in the same spot as the customer, and slammed her hand down on the counter in front of me like she was holding a quart-sized can of cling peaches in heavy syrup.



We found the poor fellow about a block away in the car wash stall crying in the fetal position with the front of the man covered in blood.



It was still attached but had deep funny-looking cuts in semicircles on it and it was black and blue and flat in the middle.

Justice prevails

 

[Chaparral]

Hold it!!!!,!, THAT Gurl went to college???? I always thought you sounded to smart to have done that!!!

 

[Jason Freeland]

Was working a code in the ER one night with a GSW to the chest and they had cracked his chest open to see what was going on and do direct cardiac compressions. So me at the head of the bed using my manual resuscitator (ambu bag) and ventilating between compressions and the guy was squirting blood all over the place every time I bagged (pulmonary artery got cut). All the while I'm kind of watching this and watching the lungs inflate and thinking that at least our tube was in good position (and that this guy was a goner). We had been unable to get an oxygen saturation reading out of the guy the whole time we were working and the doc turns to me and asks "are you sure were in"? This being the breathing tube position he was referring to and I look at him and just said "yes were in". Mind you I had been watching the left lung inflate the whole time, so I knew our tube was good and the problem with his saturation was one of perfusion. Half or more of his blood volume was on the floor of the trauma bay, we had a dam made of towels to keep it out of the hall. I should have said "I could put the oximeter on the floor, that's where his blood is", but I had been to stunned by the question to give any other answer. Needless to say we called it not long after that. The doc was a good doc, but had a bit of tunnel vision on that one.

For something a bit different, twice I have had patients come back to life after the code was called. Both times I was walking away from the bed and something made me look back to see bounding carotid pulses on both patients (one adult, one baby). Near as I can tell in both cases, the epinephrine we had given didn't have enough contact time with the heart cells, during compressions. It wasn't until we stopped compressions and let it sit for a minute that it worked. Neither patient survived the ordeal much after that, but it's always disconcerting to have to call the code team back to the bedside and say that the patient is not as dead as we thought.

The next one I can talk about since it was featured on the TV show Critical Hour. The patient was riding his motorcycle and managed to scrape a retaining wall at speed, on the interstate. It ground off both hands and amputated a foot and the guy came in TALKING to us! Floored us that he was conscious after a wreck like that, but he was. We got him tubed and ready for surgery in near record time and were taking him to the door out of the ER, when I realized he was naked as a jaybird. I'm manually ventilating the patient so all I can do is yell "sheet, sheet". The nurse we were with said "just put the foot on it!" So without thinking I used my free hand to pick up the patient belonging bag we had his foot in and I placed it on his crotch. I suddenly realized after I had done it that the Critical Hour crew had filmed the entire thing and I said "I can't believe I just did that on camera." Everyone starts busting a gut laughing and we get him upstairs and into surgery without further incident. Fortunately the producers cut that part out of the show. I sweated bullets until they actually released the show.

 

[RickN]

The one I will always remember was down in Texas years ago, right after I got out of the service. I was riding with a buddy in his wrecker when he got a call to come to a wreck. We get there and they are loading a very hysterical woman into an ambulance after having to pretty much pry her from a car that she was the passenger in. The drivers body was still there, still sitting up, but his head was GONE. As in little pieces all over the back of the car. Seems she was being VERY nice to him and he ran into the back of a semi trailer. Peeled the roof off his car and caved in the passenger side but since she was leaning over it just broke her legs instead of killing her. A little head cost him his head.

 

[THAT Gurl]

Why did the Avon lady walk funny??













Because her lipstick ... (I'm sorry. It's October ... Lame jokes abound around here. )