Dark Humor Thread

[THAT Gurl]

I got one!! Can't believe I didn't think of this earlier.

I was all of 19 years old and started working for a flower shop in Tishomingo while I was in college. It was a GREAT job!! Because it's a predominantly rural area (or was, haven't been back there in probably 40 years or so now) I got to drive all over the place and visit exotic places like Wapanucka ... And sometimes even go to the Big City (Ada) ... Lol

Anyway, because flower shops "do" funerals, I became very familiar with the local funeral home's layout and often just went ahead and set up the flowers I delivered if the guys were busy with other ****. This particular delivery the guy working asked if I could s
"set up" because he was the only one there and kinda busy. Sure. No problem.

The delivery entrance was a garage area under the funeral home where they kept the hearses and a bunch of other ****. And there were a couple of viewing rooms on that lower floor. I have an station wagon FULL of flowers and plants for this one guy. Can't remember the particulars, but it was one of those deaths that kinda rock the community -- I mean everybody in Tish is either related or knows each other anyhow ...

I am having to CRAM flowers and plants into this teeny tiny room and had JUST set the last plant down in front of the stand the open casket was on. The ONE particular I DO remember about this guy is he had been shot in the face. And I was curious ... Because the casket was open, not closed.

So ... After I get done making all the **** I delivered pretty I get up close and personal with this guy. I am literally INCHES away from his face looking to see if I can find the entrance wound when SOMETHING GRABS MY ANKLE FROM UNDER THE CASKET AND LETS OUT THE LOUDEST SCREAM I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE!!

I was clear out in the middle of the underground garage before I stopped running and reassessed my situation. I heard uncontrolled laughing from the guys who had been standing in the open doorway behind the curtain that lined one wall (there was a doorway to the prep area they didn't want guests to see so they hung curtains from floor to ceiling on that wall). And I learned some cuss words I didn't know that day -- from the guy who drew the short straw and reached out from under the casket stand and grabbed my ankle -- and invented a few of my own! I stomped the guy's hand/arm so hard I broke his wrist. And apparently at some point during my escape I kicked him in the face (though I never actually saw him) because one whole side of his face looked like he had run face first into a brick wall.

And yes, they did have to pick up the casket and set everything back up. And they also had to replace more than a few flower arrangements but the owner said it was more than worth it! Sorry bastards!! Lol I am not ashamed to admit I had to go home and change. Yes, I wet my pants! Probably lucky I didn't **** them, too! We were ALWAYS doing **** like that to each other. Bastards ... Lol

 

[Glock 'em down]

I got one!! Can't believe I didn't think of this earlier.

I was all of 19 years old and started working for a flower shop in Tishomingo while I was in college. It was a GREAT job!! Because it's a predominantly rural area (or was, haven't been back there in probably 40 years or so now) I got to drive all over the place and visit exotic places like Wapanucka ... And sometimes even go to the Big City (Ada) ... Lol

Anyway, because flower shops "do" funerals, I became very familiar with the local funeral home's layout and often just went ahead and set up the flowers I delivered if the guys were busy with other ****. This particular delivery the guy working asked if I could s
"set up" because he was the only one there and kinda busy. Sure. No problem.

The delivery entrance was a garage area under the funeral home where they kept the hearses and a bunch of other ****. And there were a couple of viewing rooms on that lower floor. I have an station wagon FULL of flowers and plants for this one guy. Can't remember the particulars, but it was one of those deaths that kinda rock the community -- I mean everybody in Tish is either related or knows each other anyhow ...

I am having to CRAM flowers and plants into this teeny tiny room and had JUST set the last plant down in front of the stand the open casket was on. The ONE particular I DO remember about this guy is he had been shot in the face. And I was curious ... Because the casket was open, not closed.

So ... After I get done making all the **** I delivered pretty I get up close and personal with this guy. I am literally INCHES away from his face looking to see if I can find the entrance wound when SOMETHING GRABS MY ANKLE FROM UNDER THE CASKET AND LETS OUT THE LOUDEST SCREAM I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE!!

I was clear out in the middle of the underground garage before I stopped running and reassessed my situation. I heard uncontrolled laughing from the guys who had been standing in the open doorway behind the curtain that lined one wall (there was a doorway to the prep area they didn't want guests to see so they hung curtains from floor to ceiling on that wall). And I learned some cuss words I didn't know that day -- from the guy who drew the short straw and reached out from under the casket stand and grabbed my ankle -- and invented a few of my own! I stomped the guy's hand/arm so hard I broke his wrist. And apparently at some point during my escape I kicked him in the face (though I never actually saw him) because one whole side of his face looked like he had run face first into a brick wall.

And yes, they did have to pick up the casket and set everything back up. And they also had to replace more than a few flower arrangements but the owner said it was more than worth it! Sorry bastards!! Lol I am not ashamed to admit I had to go home and change. Yes, I wet my pants! Probably lucky I didn't **** them, too! We were ALWAYS doing **** like that to each other. Bastards ... Lol

 

[Big House]

Patti, your funeral home story reminded me of one too.

I was helping an electrician friend do some work at a funeral home and we had to walk through the area where they embalm, dress, fix hair and apply makeup. There were a couple of bodies that were in the process of being placed for viewing. I was leading the way through and the last person I passed, I recognized him and stopped really quick and said, "Gary, you're not looking so good today". The friend I was helping screamed and did a 180 then another 180 because he didn't want to walk back through the area we had just came through. He then pushed me aside and left me where I was. As he was walking by, all the color in his face was gone and actual looked worse than Gary did.

For some reason, being there was funnier than me trying to type this out.

 

[Snattlerake]

My absolute favorite story

Cling peaches

One day shift I got a call asking me to respond to a local convenience store to see the manager for an unknown reason about a customer who just left. I arrived and walked into the store noticing the front door glass had been broken outward towards the street and inside was the bloodiest scene I had ever seen. There were streams of blood everywhere. It was on the floor with a trail going out the door, on the ceiling, and on the counter with the cash register. I called for backup on my walkie before talking to the woman who had called.



I asked, “Is everyone ok? Three women clerks were all laughing and snickering and holding their hands over their mouths trying to calm down. I relaxed a little bit then and again asked if anyone was hurt. They broke out into hysterical laughter again. I grinned a little bit with them and said, “Ok, What’s going on?” “Where did the blood come from?” They again cracked up slapping the counter.



My backup arrived and he was ashen-faced when he saw the blood then relieved a bit when he noticed everyone was laughing and I was smiling. I told him to follow the blood trail and get some more backup.



After he left, the head clerk then started to explain. "A guy came in and went to the back area by the beer coolers. He milled around back there and we weren't paying any attention to him. Well, he walked up to the counter and I was ringing up another customer. He waited a bit then set down on the countertop a quart-sized can of cling peaches,”



“In heavy syrup!”, yelled another clerk causing all three to blow up laughing again. I waited for her to continue, sensing this would be good. “Anyway, I had picked up the can, you know, to look at the price. The next thing I saw was his thing out on the counter laying on it like a hot dog without a bun.” Again the laughter. “I snorted a little myself while she went on, “Anyway, when I saw it I saw him grinning, looking at me and it pissed me off. More laughter. She looked over at the girls and got mad, looked at me, apparently, I was standing in the same spot as the customer, and slammed her hand down on the counter in front of me like she was holding a quart-sized can of cling peaches in heavy syrup.



We found the poor fellow about a block away in the car wash stall crying in the fetal position with the front of the man covered in blood.



It was still attached but had deep funny-looking cuts in semicircles on it and it was black and blue and flat in the middle.

 

[Glock 'em down]

My absolute favorite story

Cling peaches

One day shift I got a call asking me to respond to a local convenience store to see the manager for an unknown reason about a customer who just left. I arrived and walked into the store noticing the front door glass had been broken outward towards the street and inside was the bloodiest scene I had ever seen. There were streams of blood everywhere. It was on the floor with a trail going out the door, on the ceiling, and on the counter with the cash register. I called for backup on my walkie before talking to the woman who had called.



I asked, “Is everyone ok? Three women clerks were all laughing and snickering and holding their hands over their mouths trying to calm down. I relaxed a little bit then and again asked if anyone was hurt. They broke out into hysterical laughter again. I grinned a little bit with them and said, “Ok, What’s going on?” “Where did the blood come from?” They again cracked up slapping the counter.



My backup arrived and he was ashen-faced when he saw the blood then relieved a bit when he noticed everyone was laughing and I was smiling. I told him to follow the blood trail and get some more backup.



After he left, the head clerk then started to explain. "A guy came in and went to the back area by the beer coolers. He milled around back there and we weren't paying any attention to him. Well, he walked up to the counter and I was ringing up another customer. He waited a bit then set down on the countertop a quart-sized can of cling peaches,”



“In heavy syrup!”, yelled another clerk causing all three to blow up laughing again. I waited for her to continue, sensing this would be good. “Anyway, I had picked up the can, you know, to look at the price. The next thing I saw was his thing out on the counter laying on it like a hot dog without a bun.” Again the laughter. “I snorted a little myself while she went on, “Anyway, when I saw it I saw him grinning, looking at me and it pissed me off. More laughter. She looked over at the girls and got mad, looked at me, apparently, I was standing in the same spot as the customer, and slammed her hand down on the counter in front of me like she was holding a quart-sized can of cling peaches in heavy syrup.



We found the poor fellow about a block away in the car wash stall crying in the fetal position with the front of the man covered in blood.



It was still attached but had deep funny-looking cuts in semicircles on it and it was black and blue and flat in the middle.