Boring Marriage - Looking for suggestions

[vvvvvvv]

Hmm, you've gotten comfortable. You're not at the point where your pursuing her anymore. You've caught her and won the race! You still should be studying her like you did when you were dating. Do things for her, stuff she wouldn't expect. You need to remember what it was like when you spent all of your time trying to get into her pants. Do that again. If she likes you to buy her things do it. If she likes for you do do things for her do it.

Mine had told me before that she didn't really like gifts that much, so I had never really got her anything other than something small for Christmas or her birthday (which are very close together). This year, I decided to have something delivered to her office for Valentine's Day, a day that I was under the impression that she didn't like.

Best gift ever because it was totally unexpected. I didn't have them put my name on the card, so they tried to figure out at first if someone was stalking her.

 

[338Shooter]

You, young man, are wise beyond your years. Your wife is a very lucky woman ...

Thanks, I wasn't born with it. We had been together for 7 years when we got married. I though pre-marriage counseling was going to be the biggest waste of time. I went into it with a good attitude for my soon to be wife and I learned more about women in those two weeks than I had learned in my 23 years on the planet prior. My wife and I have had a much better relationship since. I learned a lot about her feelings and even a lot about my own. We learned to talk to and listen to each other. Sure we have rocky spots still, everyone does. We talk it out, find out what the real issues are and give a genuine effort to fix them.




For the most part, men desire respect and women desire love. When men feel the woman respects them he give out love. When a woman feels loved, she wants to give respect. This is a great system except one person has to be the one to take the first step. I guarantee if you shower a woman with love, she will make you feel like the best man in the whole wide world. Women have more power in this regard then men do. Whatever your woman needs to feel loved, give her a giant dose of that. It'll light a fire in her that nothing can stop, stress, kids, work, nothing. Women are powerful beings, they just need a little jump start now and again.

 

[Perrone]

Hmm, you've gotten comfortable. You're not at the point where your pursuing her anymore. You've caught her and won the race! You still should be studying her like you did when you were dating. Do things for her, stuff she wouldn't expect. You need to remember what it was like when you spent all of your time trying to get into her pants. Do that again. If she likes you to buy her things do it. If she likes for you do do things for her do it.

I learned a fantastic trick. When they are in the bath/shower take a towel and warm it up in the dryer and then wait until she's getting out and grab it real quick. Go wrap her up in it.

Doing what you asked about in the first post may help, but you have to put the spice back in the same way you put it in in the beginning.

2nd the counseling. Start talking to each other. Ask her if there is anything missing in her life. See if there is something she would like to do, but is too afraid to try or to ask you if she can try it. It could be a number of things. Sounds like you guys aren't communicating effectively. You may talk about things, but that doesn't mean you are communicating.

Touche good sir...
I try to do little things for her all the time, but I think she's used to it or something. When she says "thank you" it sounds more like she's saying it because she HAS to and don't really mean it. Maybe I'm taking it the wrong way or something. If i go back to how I did when I was trying to get in her pants I'd be doing EVERYTHING for her. I simply don't have time for that.
As far as the communicating, I don't think, but I KNOW you're right. Every time I try to communicate it turns into a fight because I'm being honest and sharing my feelings and she doesn't care too much for those feelings. Then I find myself getting annoyed and louder...I know it's 1/2 my fault and 1/2 hers, but I don't think she sees it the same way.

 

[RidgeHunter]

I learned a fantastic trick. When they are in the bath/shower take a towel and warm it up in the dryer and then wait until she's getting out and grab it real quick. Go wrap her up in it.

I did that with a dead hooker and an old roll of carpet once.

Don't judge me.

 

[338Shooter]

Hmmm, if you can find a good counselor I think you have hope.

I like your excuse as to why you don't do everything for her like you used to. You don't have time right? What do we do when there is something we really desire? We do everything in our power to devote as much time and energy to that. You have to get back to that state of mind. You have time for anything you want to do, but not everything you want to do. Maybe you need to give up a hobby or stop taking those extra shifts at work. I don't know. There is something you need to do. Don't try to lay blame on her. Take responsibility and be the one to make the effort to steer the relationship back on course. She'll gladly follow if she loves you.

I don't know your religious/spiritual beliefs, but I believe the marriage has to be centered around God. Without God, it will never work.

 

[BadgeBunny]

I did that with a dead hooker and an old roll of carpet once.

Don't judge me.

I understand completely ... hey, accidents happen, right??

 

[BadgeBunny]

Hmmm, if you can find a good counselor I think you have hope.

I like your excuse as to why you don't do everything for her like you used to. You don't have time right? What do we do when there is something we really desire? We do everything in our power to devote as much time and energy to that. You have to get back to that state of mind. You have time for anything you want to do, but not everything you want to do. Maybe you need to give up a hobby or stop taking those extra shifts at work. I don't know. There is something you need to do. Don't try to lay blame on her. Take responsibility and be the one to make the effort to steer the relationship back on course. She'll gladly follow if she loves you.

I don't know your religious/spiritual beliefs, but I believe the marriage has to be centered around God. Without God, it will never work.

When you get done with Perrone would you PM GC please??

 

[Perrone]

Hmmm, if you can find a good counselor I think you have hope.

I like your excuse as to why you don't do everything for her like you used to. You don't have time right? What do we do when there is something we really desire? We do everything in our power to devote as much time and energy to that. You have to get back to that state of mind. You have time for anything you want to do, but not everything you want to do. Maybe you need to give up a hobby or stop taking those extra shifts at work. I don't know. There is something you need to do. Don't try to lay blame on her. Take responsibility and be the one to make the effort to steer the relationship back on course. She'll gladly follow if she loves you.

I don't know your religious/spiritual beliefs, but I believe the marriage has to be centered around God. Without God, it will never work.

You must have missed the whole last 2 sentences of my post
And I'm not making excuses I'm stating the facts. She is my hobby. I don't do anything else but go to work. I have no extra shifts.

 

[338Shooter]

Where you said it was 1/2 yours and 1/2 hers? That is what I was addressing. It is no ones fault. Don't get mad at each other.

You sound exactly like my wife and I used to and still do sometimes. You've both got to let the past stay in the past. Quit making the same mistakes and quit bringing up mistakes made previously. Stay calm, laugh, cry, hug, kiss, but don't yell, don't get mad, and don't dredge up things that have happened.

 

[BadgeBunny]

Where you said it was 1/2 yours and 1/2 hers? That is what I was addressing. It is no ones fault. Don't get mad at each other.

You sound exactly like my wife and I used to and still do sometimes. You've both got to let the past stay in the past. Quit making the same mistakes and quit bringing up mistakes made previously. Stay calm, laugh, cry, hug, kiss, but don't yell, don't get mad, and don't dredge up things that have happened.

You youngsters ... us old folks just sigh and say to ourselves "it'll pass" ... and it does ... takes way too much energy to hold a grudge at our ages ...

In all seriousness though a couple of things stand out ...

One, if they BOTH don't want it to work then no amount of effort on his part is gonna fix anything and

Two, marriage is not an even-steven deal ... One party is always having to put more effort in that the other. That is just the way it is. In a good marriage that is a fluid equation, but what is "good" is also very subjective.

In the end, people are a pain in the ass to live with (whether men or women). You find someone who can tolerate and live with your level of pychosis and hope that you can find a way to deal with their personal demons. Then you count your blessings and just move on ...

ETA: The single most important sentence in the entire world is a heartfelt "I'm sorry".